Wow, long four weeks...on March 2nd, Jeff's Dad had a quadruple bypass. It was very unexpected. Luckily, he's doing just fine in his recovery, though. It was hard to see him looking so frail immediately following the surgery. I know that Bill and Bonnie are not my parents, but I've certainly come to appreciate them as members of my (Ohio) family. I can't imagine how hard it will be on my husband when anything happens to his parents...the same can be said for me. We've been so fortunate in our marriage thus far...we still have all 5 of our grandparents, our parents, and our brothers. So, we've spent lots of time going to Cleveland and then to Wooster, once Bill came home. We haven't minded it, just wears us out after awhile.

Last weekend, we bought a Wii Fit. We'd been looking for one for months without any luck. We stumbled across one by accident. We've used it every day for the last week. I haven't lost any weight yet, but the exercises are getting easier to do, so thats a plus. Jeff, at last count, had lost one and a half pounds, I think. We both needed to start doing something. We also take Jason to his swim class twice a week. We've been trying really hard to eat healthier, too. Eating a little less red meat and getting "heart healthy" foods. The men in Jeff's family really need to be careful about their hearts. Of course, we've always tried to watch our carbs..okay, I've tried to watch my carbs and Jeff didn't do much of that until recently. I also got Jeff to give up regular pop which I never thought I'd see. He still has one occasionally because we have some at home but the very fact that he's drink any diet at all is great. So, we're trying to make some healthy changes. If not just for us...at least for our son.

The craziness has started again. My sister-in-law left my brother again and took their two daughters even though my brother has full legal custody of them. Long story short, he's gotten one of his daughters back but not the other. They'll be going to court soon. I feel bad for everyone involved in the situation and its hard because I don't feel like I can be much help while living in a different state. Its so hard living here. Sometimes 220 miles can feel like a thousand. You'd think I'd be used to the distance now and most of the time I am, but its rough when things are going on with my family and I can't be there. And, my family only gets to see Jason once every few months. Grrr...Of course if we move to Indiana then Jeff is in the same boat with his family. Its a lose/lose situation...at least thats the way it feels.

Jeff and I were actually productive today. We took down our Christmas tree today and rearranged part of our livingroom to make Jason's play area a little larger and some of his toys more accessible. Once he woke up from his nap, he liked his newly arranged little area. He played with some of his toys like he hadn't seen them in months. It was cute. He's walking everywhere now with pretty good balance. He's still working on getting some of his molars in which makes him cranky occasionally. All in all, though, he's still got a fairly pleasant disposition. On Monday, he starts a "Water Babies" class. Every Monday and Wednesday from 6:00 to 6:30, he and Jeff will be in a class with other babies and parents (ages 6 months - 3 years old). Jason absolutely loves water. He tries to jump in the bathtub even when the water isn't running. So, we thought he'd like a swimming class. Besides, they say that babies can actually learn how to swim from birth and that knowledge will stay with them, so we'll see. It'll be so cute. I think I might record some of his classes.

I've had three days off and its been nice. I've been quite productive. I've done my dishes and kept them all clean throughout the long weekend. I've also washed every stitch of dirty fabric in this house and, of course, watched the baby while Jeff was working. I enjoyed three days at home, but I could never be a stay-at-home mom. I'd go absolutely nuts! I need more structure in my life than that.

I'm not in a writing mood today...I'll have to pick this up later...

So, the holiday craziness is officially over. We've even celebrated in Indiana and made it back in one piece, with no illnesses or anything. Grandpa was put back in the hospital for congestive heart failure. If it had to happen, I'm glad it did while we were home so we could see him. He came out of it much more quickly this time, too. It had been just shy of a year since his last episode, so that's encouraging. I can't help but think that everytime we see him may be the last time. I guess I'm just trying to sub-consciously prepare myself. The day we got home, I got a call from my mom telling me that a man from our church had collapsed in his home. Within 15 minutes, I got another call that he had passed away. I've known him as long as I can remember. His daughter and I were the same age, and we went to school together all the way from kindergarten through high school and were always in church together. Its not that I was super close with him or anything, it just sucked because someone I had known as long as I could remember was just gone. I ruminated about what his daughters and wife must be going through and my heart broke for them. I literally couldn't imagine what it must have been like for them. I'm still praying for them. Despite some of the things that have gone on in the last week or so, I am feeling a little better. My motivation is still below where it needs to be, but it has improved. I'm glad to be done with the stress of the holidays and home for awhile. We usually try to go to Indiana about every three months, but my parents have decided to come visit us in late February or early March, so that'll be nice. The only thing I really have to do is take care of my family and house and go to work for the next little while. No holidays, no trips, no school. That's good, right?

For various reasons, I've been feeling generally pessimistic for several months now. Christmas time, despite the weather, is usually one of my favorite times of the year. But, I'm struggling to find the joy in it this year. Its not that Christmas is going poorly, I'm just letting everything else in life stress me out...little things that I can usually let go. The psychologist in me is leaning toward the idea of projection. I know that's what I'm doing. If I were the professional talking to a client and looking at the situation from the outside in, I'd know exactly what to say to the client in this particular situation. So, why can't I just take my own advice and get out of this slump? Why can't I accept "what is" and take life as it comes? I know the root of these feelings is the poor opinion I have of myself right now, but I also feel completely powerless to change any of it. My diabetes isn't going away, the weight isn't going away...I can't rationalize the feelings that well up in me every morning as I attempt to find something to wear and just knowing that everything that I try on makes me hate the way I look that much more. No matter what I do, diabetes is going to kill me. Its progressed so far in just 5 years, particularly in the last year since having Jason. It scares me. I see my body, at age 27, debilitated like I'm middle age or later. I keep thinking that this is a punishment for something. I know better, in my mind, but I can't find any other way to rationalize whats happening to me. I'm to the point where I don't care at all anymore. I'm certainly not suicidal. I don't give a crap about myself, but I love my son and husband more than anything else in the world and I couldn't picture not being around to be with them. I just feel so ugly. I feel like the inside of my body has given up, so theres no point in maintaining the outside of it, either. I know these thoughts are irrational and illogical but I just can't make them go away and nobody else understands what this is like. I feel so judged. Like I'm less of a person because theres more of me. I've tried so hard to hide what's going on and, to a point, I have. But its getting hard. I remember a period in my life where I cried myself to sleep literally every night because I was so depressed. It started in middle school and continued off and on throughout high school. I never told anyone. I just cried at night as a method of catharsis and put on a pleasant face during the day. I don't have that luxury now because I share a bed. I don't want to burden my husband with my issues even though he would gladly help me to bear them. So, I keep finding places to have some solitude where I can just let it go, have a good cry, and move on with my day. I know its not healthy, but that's where I'm at in life right now. I want to have another child down the road, but I can't see myself ever getting back to a place where I'm healthy enough to do it. So, where do I go from here? Maybe these feelings will pass in time, but I'm really not sure. I've always been a very private person who's been able to cope with any emotions I had on my own, never sharing them with anyone else. I believe I can do that this time, too but I know I shouldn't. I have more to worry about now and I can't run the risk of tainting my son's childhood with negative memories just because I'm selfish and too full of pride. I'm giving myself another couple months to work through this on my own, so we'll see what happens.

Thanksgiving in Indiana went well. All of my grandparents are hanging in there. Oddly enough, it seems like the youngest of the three, Grandma Jessop, is going downhill the fastest. Every time I see her she looks older to me. I hate not being able to see them more. Anyways, Jason really dug into his second first birthday cake in front of my family. He was soooo messy yet soooo cute. Jason, Jeff, and I have been sick off and on this week. Just cough, congestion, sore throat, etc...nothing too major. The place in wooster that I interviewed at back in september has just now started calling my references this week. I don't know if this is good or bad. I am scared to make any big changes professionally. I have heard so many people discount my degree just because I got it online that I'm almost starting to believe it even though I know I shouldn't. I knew there was a bias out there, but it became even more evident once I had the degree in my hand. Grr...I'm nervous about the job thing and even more nervous about money.

My kitchen-aide mixer and my oven both broke yesterday. I'm pretty bitter. At least the oven will be fixed by our landlord, but my mixer is disappointing. I've only had it for two years and I don't even use it on a regular basis. I hope I can find someone to fix it for an affordable price. (In the words of Forrest Gump) That's all I have to say about that.

I watched Steel Magnolias this morning. I'd heard for a long time that I should. I had mixed reactions to the movie. Small parts of it hit close to home in a way that was somewhat disheartening to me. I know it was just a movie, but...

Another client died this weekend. The circumstances were less than straight forward. I'm bothered by the fact that I feel so numb about the whole situation. Even though I wasn't extremely close to this client, I did know him and I feel like I should feel some modicum of sadness or compassion but I really don't. The first client that died was murdered. He was bludgeoned to death in his own bed. I tried to be upset about that and even cry as a means of catharsis, but I couldn't. I know I must have felt something, though, because I had nightmares about it for a week or so. But the sorrow wasn't there like I expected it might be. Is that bad or does it mean I'm maintaining firm boundaries with clients and not allowing myself to form any type of personal attachment to them. Who knows.

Its Sunday evening and its been a long and short weekend. Time has flown, but I've been productive, so that's good. I've done between 8 and 10 loads of laundry...I kind of lost count and we were way backed up with our laundry. I also made somewhere in the neighborhood of 320 cookies. About 70 of the cookies are halloween cookies that I'm using for a couple different parties I'm going to this week. The others are all christmas cookies that I'm making for mom. I always feel guilty that she kills herself this time of year to make cookies and that I'm not around to help. It just so happens that we will be going to Indiana right before her bazaar, so I'm making cookies so it takes some of the pressure off of her. It just about kills her physically to keep up with all of that and no one else really helps her anymore. I'm shooting to get about a 1000 cookies made for her before we head to Indiana the night before thanksgiving. That's definately doable considering I can swing about 300 a day. Back in the day, I used to make between 600 and 700 cookies each day when I was doing nothing but making them and someone else was making the dough for me. Either way, every little bit helps, so that's good. We'll see how many I can get done between now and Thanksgiving.

I'm feeling slightly better. I went to my endocrinologist a little over a week ago. She also recommended that I see my family doctor, so I made an appointment with him the same day, too. It turns out that I have a double ear infection and a sinus infection, which is likely part of the reason that my sugars are not cooperating. The endocrinologist also significantly raised my insulin. Between the antibiotics and the higher insulin, my sugars have been responding well, even bottoming out at times. But, I still find myself upset by the whole situation. I can't continue to have my insulin systematically raised every 6-8 weeks for the rest of my life. I'm already on very significantly high doses of insulin as it is. It would be one thing if I were nearing the later years of my life, but I'm (hopefully) not even close. So, we'll see what happens. I'm trying really hard to watch what I'm eating and the amount I'm eating, but it honestly doesn't make much of a difference with regards to my diabetes. My disease is very unpredictable and unexplainable at times. But, I tend to cope better with it emotionally when its not making me feel so sick.

Jason will be one in a couple weeks, believe it or not. Time really has flown by. I can't believe that Jason has been with us for almost a year. At the same time, its hard to remember what life was like without him. We love him so much and are so blessed to have him. He's not been feeling very well this weekend. He's got kind of a hacking cough with a runny nose that has been getting worse rather than better over the weekend. I'm hoping he doesn't get too sick this week because his grandparents (who generally watch him at our house on weekdays if he's sick and can't go to the sitter's) are going to be gone at a conference this week. Neither Jeff or I want to call off of work. That poor little guy just has issues with staying well. His illnesses are never major, life-threatening things, just enough that he doesn't feel well or act like his normal, cheery self. he goes to the doctor in a few weeks for his year check-up and I'm pretty sure the doctor is going to recommend that he see an occupational therapist to help him learn how to eat better. He refuses to eat anything with chunks in it at all. It was to be expected in earlier months, but he should be eating better than he is now and these issues need to be solved before the behaviors become engrained. Anyways, I don't care how he eats, I still love him to death!

I've had a fairly relaxing weekend. Jeff is working both days. Yesterday, Jason and I went shopping in the morning for baby food and household items. Then, I did the dishes and made homemade applesauce (my first applesauce-making adventure was a success). I also kept laundry going all day and made a pretty good dent in it. Today, Sunday, I'm not doing much. I may do a few more loads of laundry and wash the few dishes we used yesterday. Later, I'm going to put a rack of ribs in the oven to cook for a few hours so we can grill them tomorrow. What an exciting life I lead, I know.

Well, my new insulin doses worked for about a month or so. I'm sick again. No sugars under 250 for a couple weeks now. Yesterday, I ate two tacos from the time I woke up until 5:00 p.m. I took my sugar around 5:00 and it was well over 300 although I had hardly eaten all day, and I had taken all my insulin and meds. I'm really scared about where my doctor is going to go from here with my treatment. I don't think they can go much higher with my insulin and if I keep following this pattern of having to raise my insulin doses every 3-5 weeks, I'll be maxed out on insulin before I hit the age of 30. How scary. And, I still want to have more children. I can't do it as long as I'm sick. It could seriously kill me, at least that's what I've been told. My endocrinologist doesn't want me to have any more children at all. I'm going to see my OBGYN in early November to see if he has any suggestions since he also specializes in endocrinology and he was so helpful during my pregnancy. Something has got to give. As long as sugars are high, it is virtually impossible for a diabetic to lose weight. My original endocrinologist from the Cleveland Clinic told me that it was very unlikely that even significant weight loss would rid me of diabetes because mine is so severe and hit me at such a young age compared to others diagnosed with Type II diabetes who are typically diagnosed after the age of 50. I find myself feeling fearful at times that I won't be alive to see my son grow up or to meet my grandchildren. I know it sounds overly dramatic, but I'm constantly being beaten down by this disease although I'm taking more medication and insulin than any other diabetic I have ever met. Sometimes it feels so hopeless. Jeff gets upset when I'm pessimistic about the whole situation. He doesn't understand although he is supportive. I have seriously been considering having gastric bypass surgery. Jeff is adamately against it because he's scared of the side effects and he keeps repeating that he loves me so much the way I am. But I'm to the point where I don't love me at all, in fact, I hate me. I like myself as a person but I absolutely hate my body. And, side effects? They can't be worse than what diabetes is doing to my body right now. I wonder, though, if my insurance would cover the $25,000+ procedure and if I could have more children after having it done. Lots to consider.

I've had a frustrated day for a lot of reasons that I'd rather not talk about on a public forum. Some have to do with work and the other has to do with the sugars again. I'm getting sick all over again. I can't find anything that works. The more insulin they give me, the more resistant I become. Grrr...I can't write about it anymore...it just feeds the frustration.

I'm home unexpectedly today. I haven't slept well for the last few days and Jason kept me up some last night because he was hacking and coughing for a one-two hour stretch. I have close to three weeks worth of vacation, so I decided to use a day today to just be at home and relax. I needed a mental health day.

This is my fourth homecoming weekend since graduating from AU. Wow, how time flies. Going back to campus reminds me of how nice it was to live in a setting where my biggest worry was the test I had coming up in two days, where bills existed merely in the lives of those outside of my own college clique, and where there was always someone to spend your time with your own age. I don't miss the bullshit associated with having room mates or the high school drama that often occurred, but part of me wants to go back in time, if only for a day or two. However, in considering my current life situation, I can't help but appreciate the freedoms I enjoy. The only person I'm truly accountable to is myself. I have a wonderful husband, son, home, pets, etc. I wish I could go back to a time before life's harsh realities started to creep into my life. My senior year, while I was excited in some ways, was the dawning of many scary things for me. Just a week before starting school, I was diagnosed with diabetes, and it made me so angry. I was incredibly bitter but I had no idea where to direct these harsh feelings, so I kept them inside and let them eat away at me. I still struggle with this conundrum. I was also scared because of the relative uncertainties which I knew awaited me in the "real world." I was excited to be getting married, but I was scared because I had no jobs and no prospects and I wanted so much to be able to provide for myself and be self-sufficient...to prove to everyone that I could succeed on my own. I guess there are still times where I'm trying to prove that, although I'm not sure to who...maybe just myself.

I've been bothered this week, because my family is having a picnic at my Grandparents house this weekend and we just couldn't swing going with gas prices and other bills that we have to pay. I absolutely HATE missing out on so many things with my family, but I really don't have much of a choice apparently. I can't get the thought out of my head that I could've missed my final opportunity to spend with my grandparents at a picnic and with the rest of my family. I know everyone was there except for me and it hurts. My grandparents have been in poor health this year. We got a call on Christmas Eve to come home because they didn't think grandpa would make it much longer. We went....he's a trooper, though. He's still hangin' in there with us and doing okay. Then, grandma got sick and had to have a pacemaker put in along with some other health concerns she's having. I feel guilty for not going home to be with my family, but moreso, I feel guilty because I have to make special arrangements just to get home because we live in Ohio. I could do so much for my family if I was just closer. I hate being here...I hate choosing Jeff's family over mine. We keep justifying our decision with various excuses, but the fact remains that being in Ohio, away from my family, is a choice. I feel lonely here. I've put all my efforts into not making connections here in hopes that I would refrain from any sense of permanency in remaining. But, everyday I feel myself becoming more attached to this location because I have no other choice. I know, now that Jeff has moved back into the area, we will never get to leave again. He doesn't understand how much the prospect of being away from my family permanently hurts me. I know my family's not perfect...we fight...we yell...we hold grudges at times, but they're still my family. My son won't get to grow up with his grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins and I can't help but feel angry about it. I really don't think that Jeff understands how much I really want to move home. I think he feels like he can appease me with the occasional weekend trip to Indiana, but it's not working. I have yet to feel comfortable enough to allow myself to make friends here or commit to becoming a member of the church which I still call "his church" even though I've now attended for over 3 years. Grrr...I know I'm just fired up about this subject because of my guilt about not being able to make it home...but I can't help it. I wish more than almost anything that Jeff and I had grown up in the same area. There's something to be said about marrying your high school sweetheart...at least "home" is the same for both of you. It's not fair. I've given up so much to live where I do right now, and no one understands that.

Well, I'm finally done with all my coursework...officially. I submitted my final project on Thursday night with just a couple minor revisions and after having proofread it once again. I don't know what to expect as far as my grade is concerned for the class. I slacked off more during my weekly assignments than I usually do. I really had some crazy senior-itus going, I guess. Either way, the lowest grade I would expect is a B. If I still had my 4.0 I'd be concerned. But, I got my first B last quarter. So, prior to this project, I had a 3.923.

My birthday was nice this year. Jeff was suppose to cook a nice meal for me, but the day before he got sick and he's just now starting to get over it. So, rather than get his germs, we decided to go out to dinner. We went with Bill, Bonnie, and Cameron to Wild Ginger in Wooster. I love Asian food. I ordered something that had more carbs than I normally would just because it was my birthday. So, I treated myself. For my birthday, Jeff got me a Garmin Nuvi GPS system with a stand that sits on my dashboard. He also got me two "Skillet" cd's and the movies Gladiator and Titanic. It was nice. Bill and Bonnie gave me a combined graduation and birthday gift of $1200.00. I did not expect that at all, and it was so thoughtful of them. Besides, we could really use it. We used part of it already to pay some bills and to pay my graduation fee of $350.00. So, all-in-all, it was a good day. I've already been using my garmin. Anyone who knows me knows I get lost all the time. My sense of direction sucks.

I'm home this weekend, and I don't feel like I know what to do with myself. I can't wrap my head around the idea that I'm done with school. I generally spend a lot of my time feeling guilty about not doing my homework when I have the spare time to or about not putting more effort into it. Now, I just keep thinking that I should be cleaning something or doing some laundry. I just can't seem to relax 100%. Never have been able to. I need some frickin' ritalin.

Jason got his 6th tooth today. At least that's when I noticed it...this morning when I was holding him. He'll have a whole mouth full soon. He's been pulling himself up to everything recently...the couch, the baby gate, our legs, etc. He still isn't steady enough to take any steps without us holding his hands, and I'm okay with that. I'm not ready to see my little boy walk just yet. And I say little boy because it hardly feels like he's a baby anymore. He's getting so big so fast. We still can't get him to eat like he should. He hates solid food, and he throws up often when he gags himself. No wonder he doesn't gain weight.

Today...I'm home unexpectedly to take Jason to the doctor. He's got a cough that makes him sound like he's barking at times and he's not keeping food down very well. We definately don't want him to lose weight. He's already tall and skinny. So, we'll get him a check-up and just make sure everything is okay and that we shouldn't be doing something other than what we are. I put a beef roast in the crockpot this morning to cook. Sean and Cameron are coming over for dinner, so hopefully it won't suck. Maybe we'll play some cards or something.

Tomorrow (Tuesday)...Jeff and I will both be at work. We're grilling tomorrow and Cameron may join us for dinner. We'll see.

Wednesday...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! I'll be 27. Yes, I'm getting old. Jeff is cooking me a nice dinner that night. What it will be, I don't know. Mom also has her appointment with the nuerologist today. I doubt she'll get any answers. They'll probably just want to run some more tests or something. Who knows. I don't know which is worse...waiting to know or just knowing at all.

Thursday...My two year anniversary at work. I will have been there two years, but don't know how much longer I'll be staying. I have applications out at other places. I need to make more money. And, Mansfield sucks.

Friday...My last day of classes, possibly ever. My Master's degree will be officially conferred on the last day of this month. I finished my paper over Labor Day Weekend, so luckily I don't have anything to stress over this week at all. All my class requirements are done! I'm actually ahead of the game for a change. I think we'll go out to dinner to celebrate tonight. Why not?

Jason and I are finally feeling a little better. We're still a little stuffy, but nothing major. Mom has it now and she sounds awful, just in talking to her over the phone. Hopefully hers will be gone soon, too. Jason has to go in for his nine month check-up today. Jeff is working, so I'll be taking him alone. I've never had to hold Jason when he's gotten shots before, I've always made Jeff do it. Unfortunately, I guess it's my turn today and I'm not looking to forward to it. I'll get over it, though. It's got to be done.

I have senior-itis so bad. I only have two weeks worth of class done and I'm so unmotivated. All I really have to do is write my final paper. I have a good start, but I just have to get going on the rest of it. I wish I could send Jason with Jeff for a couple hours each day this weekend and just finish the project, but unfortunately, he's already working long hours this weekend. Grrrr....I'm sure I'll manage to get it done one way or another.

The issue at work finally panned out. I had filed a grievance against a co-worker of mine who is much higher up in the company. Turns out, management actually listened to me and a new policy is being drafted based on my concerns and recommendations. The HR supervisor had me review it and make any recommendations for change that I thought it might need. I was surprised that they seemed genuinely interested in my input. The co-worker has certainly changed her attitude toward me. So, surprisingly, the situation worked out for the better.

I must be getting old. My birthday is in a week and a half, and I'm not excited at all. I never thought I'd get to that point, at least not yet, but here I am...approaching 27....feeling 57. Mom will go to her first neurologist appointment on my birthday. I seriously doubt that she'll get any definitive answers that day, but I'm still nervous about it. I really just hope its nothing. I guess I'm thinking of September 10 in a different way this year.

I feel stressed out recently. I'm really debating on whether or not to proceed with my master's degree graduation, or to extend my program basically just to boost my resume. I am also considering trying different things within my field rather than staying where I'm currently working. I make very little money as it is a non-profit organization. I'm considering teaching undergraduate online courses and working out of my home so I can stay home with son. That way I'm still using my education but I'm able to be with Jason, too. And, my schedule will be flexible. I'm also struggling so much with my diabetes that it might be nice to make my own schedule so I can work when I'm feeling up to it rather than be required to be certain places at certain times. I know if we decide to have another child down the road, the illness will only get worse and I may not be able to sustain work in the community at all. Who knows. I would have to teach a lot of classes to supplement our income enough to allow Jeff to quit working where he is and get back in school. I believe I'll begin by just trying to teach one online class to see if I can even stand doing it. My master's degree, of course, was all online, so I'm familiar with the procedures and such. It would, however, be interesting to be on the other side of the educational spectrum; teacher rather than student. But anyways, I'm just throwing a lot of random ideas around in my head. As of September 5th, I believe, I will have all the course requirements completed to obtain my master's degree and I'm leaning toward simply finishing it and moving on with life. I'm not in a real hurry to get out of where I'm working or anything like that, I just want to make more money so Jeff can quit his job. He's worked hard there for over 4 1/2 years and absolutely hates it. He's scheduled to work Christmas this year and is absolutely dreading it. I don't blame him. It might be nice to actually be with his family for Christmas. I'm not sure what to do. I'm also trying to see if I can practice as a counselor in the state of Ohio without being licensed. That would open up other possibilities as well. I just need direction. I want to get ahead in life rather than just staying where I'm at. I know, I always want more.

We went to Indiana this weekend. I don't know if I've mentioned that my mom may or may not be sick. They found abnormalities on her brain during an MRI and she is scheduled to go in on my birthday for a consultation with a neurologist and for possible diagnosis. So, that's been stressing me out. We did get to visit with family this weekend because we all celebrated Mackenzie's first birthday and she was also dedicated in church on Sunday. It was nice to see all my grandparents again. I can't help but worry that each time I visit Indiana and see them might be the last time. I don't want to be morbid, but they are not young anymore. Of the three remaining, the youngest is turning 82 this year. Grandpa will be 88 and Grandma is somewhere in between those two. I don't want to grow old and I wish those around me didn't have to, either. I wish we could all be somehow frozen in time and just stay as we are. Getting older scares me. I'm afraid of losing the people I love. I know that I should just be okay with the whole idea because they are "going to a better place," but the thought of loss is still very sad and frightening to me.

My sugars are getting better. I saw the doctor about a week and a half ago and she raised my insulin only slightly. I'm still taking the same amount of medicine, but its in the form of six shots rather than eight. So, the small decrease is nice. This may sound funny, but I actually listed to a song by the Jonas Brothers the other day and liked it. I understand that it was written by the youngest of the three brothers who has been diagnosed with juvenile diabetes. Here are the lyrics...

Got the news today
Doctors said i had to stay
A little bit longer and I'll be fine
When i thought it'd all be done
When I thought it'd all been said
A little bit longer and I'll be fine.
But you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
And you don't know what it's like to feel so low
And everytime you smile you laugh you glow
You don't even know, know, know.
You don't even know

All this time goes by
Still no reason why
A little bit longer and I'll be fine.
Waitin' on a cure
But none of them are sure
A little bit longer and I'll be fine
But you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
You don't know what its like to feel so low.
And everytime you smile you laugh you glow
You don't even know, know, know.
You don't even know, know, know.
You don't even know, no

And you don't know what you got 'til it's gone.
Don't know what it's like to feel so low, yeah!
And everytime you smile you laugh you glow,
You don't even know! yeah! woah!

So I'll wait 'til kingdom come.
All the highs and lows are gone.
A little bit longer and I'll be fine.
I'll be...fine



I have never been one to like the Jonas Brothers. But, these words really hit home for me. No one else really knows what this struggle is like...just knowing that one day this disease will kill me and that there's no one I can talk to about it. I hold so much anger inside me about this. If I hear, "just a little bit longer and you'll be fine" one more time, I'll scream. A little bit longer always just proves to be worse for me. Anyone who thinks diabetes is simply about avoiding sugar is so clueless. It affects every part of me. My whole life revolves around it and I will never escape it. There is no cure. I'm maxed out on all medications available for this and the best I can hope for is to be stable, not better. I was diagnosed at 21. This disease has stolen what was suppose to be the best years of my life. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it...

Sometimes I feel this sickness
is eating me alive.
I cannot fight this monster-
don't think I can survive.

Although I've tried to learn from this
I'm falling that much more behind.
It kills me from the inside out-
a mountain I can't climb.

They say that I'll get better
but apparently they lie.
Too young to feel this old
and much too young to die.

Just want to run away from this
but fate still follows me.
How can I come to grips with this
disease I cannot see.

A silent, solemn killer
has stolen so much time.
I'm slowly forgetting what it's like
to have a life that's truly mine.

What will this monster make of me
as days turn into years.
a silent killer in my life
hovering ever near.

Here we go again. I'm sick. Diabetes will be the death of me. It was hard to control before Jason was born and I gained 40 pounds and now its next to impossible. I'm up to 8 shots a day plus 4 checks of my sugar. For those who may struggle with math, that's 12 needle sticks every day. I HATE IT. I'm to the point now where I can't have hardly any carbohydrates/sugar whatsoever. Your average diabetic can have those things in moderation, but I can't anymore. It makes me so angry and frustrated. It kills me to live with the thought that this is never going away. And, what if I've passed this on to my son. I don't ever, ever want him to live this way. I guess only time will tell. I pray he's healthy.

Speaking of health concerns, I'm worried about my mom. She's been experiencing some memory loss recently. She went to the doctor who sent her for an MRI. She went back to her family doctor to review the results and he told her that she has lesions on both hemispheres of her brain and that her brain mass is shrinking. As people age, brain shrinkage is normal. It is also normal to have some lesions on one hemisphere of the brain. The doctor commented, however, that this process within the brain does not generally begin occurring at mom's age (56), but rather at 70+. So, there are 3 possibilities that could explain her MRI; "old age" that is hitting her at a younger age, Multiple Sclerosis, or Lou Gherig's Disease. She was referred to a neurologist for an official analysis of her MRI as soon as possible. Unfortunately, "as soon as possible" isn't until September 10. Yes, the first available appointment for my mom to meet with a neurologist and learn if she has a potentially life-threatening disease is not until my birthday. Any way you look at it, the results aren't good. Either her brain is aging faster than it should, she has a crippling disease that will impact all other areas of her life (MS), or she could have Lou Gherig's disease which only has a life expectancy of 2-5 years. Two diagnoses are certainly more positive than the third, but I hate to believe that any one of them could truly be affecting my mother. I guess I haven't accepted that both me and my family members are aging.

A third stressor this week happened at work. I came in one morning to an e-mail which informed me of a very negative event that had occurred with my client. The bad part was that the event was caused by another co-worker of mine, someone much higher than me in the company. The same situation has occurred with this co-worker and several other clients on our team. I ended up typing a two page grievance which I submitted to the head of our HR department today. I'm worried that filing a grievance against someone so high up in the company will be detrimental to me, but I'm not willing to allow my clients to be treated in such a negative way. I addressed the situation with my supervisor and she did nothing about it. I think she just thought I'd forget about it in time and let it go. Apparently I won't. I know, I'm stubborn. We'll just have to wait and see what comes of all of this.

I'm glad it's the weekend. Jason's taking his nap and Jeff is at work. I got up around 7:00 this morning, changed and fed the baby and then put him back to bed, then hopped in the shower and got ready myself. Then, Jason and I went to the Farmer's Market at the church downtown. We started going to that last year, I think and enjoyed it. It just reopened today for the season. Jason slept and I bought onions, blueberries, zucchini, and green beans. I can't believe how cheap it is. I've been thinking about calling mom so she can teach me how to can things. With food prices going up so high, it might be a good idea to purchase some inexpensive produce at the farmer's market this summer and can it for the rest of the year. But, we'll see. It depends on whether or not I can get a little extra time to try some of that stuff. It's all I can do to keep up with school, work, baby, husband, and housework.

Jeff and I's anniversary is this Thursday. Four years. It's flown by so quickly. Believe it or not, I'm still just as happy with him. I couldn't imagine life without him. It used to be hard for us to talk about having children because Jeff didn't feel like he was ready to be a dad and I had been told it would be very difficult if not impossible for me to get pregnant. So, it was a touchy issue. Now, we talk about having another child all the time...down the road, of course. We want Jason to be old enough to understand a little about what's going on before he gets another brother or sister. Besides, we definately don't want two in diapers. It's just nice that we can talk about children now without fear, worry, or apprehension. We already have another boy named picked out, but still can't come up with a girl name. I know we have lots of time, it's just fun to think about. As much as I'd like to wait 4 or even 5 years between children, I know my body can't handle that. As a result of my pregnancy with Jason, I am now permanently on insulin, at least five shots a day and the doctor is pushing for six, and the treatment still isn't working well. My sugars are way higher than they should be. Diabetes will kill me one day and it scares me. Back on track...we can't wait as long as we'd like between children and thats okay. Even if I couldn't manage to have another child, I am so happy with the one I have now that I would be satisfied. Our little boy is spoiled rotten and has everything his little heart could possibly desire. Luckily, he's young enough at this point that being spoiled hasn't effected him in a negative way. We may have to change our tune a little as he gets older. I don't want him to have an "only child spoiled brat" mentality.

I just started my senior project and this could, theoretically, be my last quarter in school...at least for now. I say theoretically because I've learned that my state may require a practicum (or even 2) for licensure. If that's the case, I have to complete this requirement prior to graduating, or my degree will be absolutely useless. So, if that's the case, I'll be extending my schooling by 2 quarters. I can live with that if it means I'll get licensed. I'm shooting for licensure as a Professional Counselor. The difference between a professional counselor and a psychologist is a few extra years of schooling and the prestige of the title of "doctor" in front of your name. I don't know that I'm willing to pay between 50,000-100,000 dollars just to have the title and a little extra money. But, we'll see what the future brings. I want Jeff to go back to school so bad...to get out of WIL and find something to do that makes him happy. The next year could be interesting.

I've gotten out of the habit of writing in my journal lately. Life has been a little hectic. I just got back from my third colloquia for school. Jeff, Jason, and I headed to Phoenix for a week. I spent the majority of the week in class, but we were able to do some fun things in the evenings and it was nice to just be away from Ohio...even if we were in 120 degree heat. Once back, my parents were here waiting for us and we had a fun weekend. We went to a drag race (which none of us had ever been to before). Since Cameron works for one of the race teams, we were able to go to the starting line, see the cars up close, etc. It wasn't anything I probably ever would have gone to on my own, but we had a lot of fun and it was a cool experience.

During my five week hiatus from this journal, we also headed to Indiana to celebrate Grandma and Grandpa Beer's 65th wedding anniversary. Just two days after that, Grandma had emergency surgery to install a pacemaker. Turns out, each time she'd been passing out throughout the last several months, her heart was stopping. How scary!!! But, it seems that they have her fixed up now and I hope Grandma and Grandpa will both be healthy for a little while now. They need a hiatus, too!

During this time, Jason has also gotten very sick again with his highest temp coming in at 104.7! I was sick during the same time with a temp at 103.9. It was not a pleasant time, Jeff got to play nurse for awhile. I was only down for the count for about 36 hours. Jason, however, was sick for about 2-3 weeks...again. He also got his first tooth and is very, very close to crawling. We're currently working on holding our own bottle and sitting up on our own. We had him dedicated in church last week. So, he's had a busy couple months, too.

Jeff and I will celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary two weeks from today. We might actually let Jason have his first overnight visit with Grandma and Grandpa Adams so we can get away for a night, but we'll see. Speaking of baby, he's getting agitated...